Grieving the Person You Used to Be

There comes a time when you’ve outgrown who you were, but have yet to become who you will be. You look back and wonder where that person went. You might even feel guilty for not wanting to be that person anymore. You just don’t feel like your most authentic self.

People around you are wondering why you’re not doing the same things they are anymore. You’re branching out into strange, and maybe uncomfortable adventures. What looked like success has been thrown to the side, and they just don’t understand what’s going on with you.

You worry about disappointing family and friends, are concerned about people feeling betrayed because you’re no longer doing things the same way, and afraid about becoming “selfish” and “too much”. That fear makes you wonder if this next move is right, or if you should stay small.

Yet you know that you can never go back to what was. That time is complete and there are things you just won’t do or accept any more. Was life easier back then? Maybe. But there came a point where you suffered. Where the emotional strain became too heavy. Something needed to change…so you started to step forward and create your life.

This doesn’t mean the person you were was bad or wrong in any way. She got you through all those trials. She helped you learn. She built the foundation and launching pad for this next great adventure.

You don't have to reject your past, you can use it to become your future self. Maybe you wish you did something different. Perhaps you feel some shame. But all those learnings brought you to the precipice of this moment, where you know you want something different and are willing to go for it.

Grieving the Person You Used to Be Is Part of Growth 

This space between identities is there for you to mourn the loss of what was and become excited for what will be, even if it’s a little scary. It reminds me of graduating High School. It’s the end of the only story you’ve ever known and the beginning of a story you know nothing about.

For some, the story changes quickly. You graduate and go straight into a job and providing for yourself. You might even have a family started, so you’re instantly responsible for others. The big bad world comes for you tooth and nail right off the bat.

For others, the transition is a little more gradual. You take the summer and have a big party before heading back to school. You are testing out this whole ‘freedom from parents’ thing and learning about ‘the big bad world’ in a semi-safe environment.

As you think about these new stories, you’re sad to leave your circle of friends and what you’ve known for so long. But there’s also an excitement about what’s coming down the line for you.

Life Transitions Bring Both Grief and Excitement 

You’ll have many of these transitions in life: from at home to in school, from elementary to junior  high/middle school to high school to college and the world beyond, from single to your own family to just you, from work to retirement…just to name a few. Each transition brings with it grief and excitement.

If you find yourself in one of these life transitions, give yourself some grace and allow yourself to grieve what has passed. Grief doesn’t mean you’ve made a wrong choice, it’s evidence that what you did mattered. You can deeply appreciate what was while still making room for what's next.

This process reminds you of what was precious and meaningful. It shows you important values that you can take forward into the next iteration of your life. It also shows what is no longer needed or required, the things that can be left behind. Take note of these things as they may show up in interesting ways. If you recognize them, you’ll be able to easily determine what to keep and what to shy away from in your next adventure.

Building the Next Version of Yourself 

Use this transition time to clear out what no longer works and start building what will. This time may feel like a major Shift-Storm™, but it’s clearing out space and giving you all the tools to build something new and exciting.

Not every structure is meant to continue on. The frames for building bricks are removed so the bricks can be used in creating a building. The scaffolding around the building doesn’t stay after the building is completed. Sometimes the building needs to be demolished to put up something even more useful and better fits your life.

Whatever stage you’re in, your BIG Dream is calling you. Thank your past for getting you to today. Be grateful for all the lessons and utilize them moving forward. You’re not losing anything, you’re gaining strength, knowledge, and wisdom to take you into your next great adventure!

If this blog found you in that uncertain space between who you've been and who you're becoming, know that you don't have to have all the answers today. Sometimes the next step isn't creating a detailed plan. It's simply giving yourself permission to reconnect with the dreams that have been waiting patiently beneath the responsibilities and expectations of everyday life. 

That's why I created the BIG Dream Visualization. It's a gentle guided experience to help you quiet the noise, reconnect with what matters most, and begin exploring what your next great adventure could look like. You can download the BIG Dream Visualization and take the first step toward discovering what's waiting for you on the other side of this transition.